Farce Troopers: A Star Wars Story

[TRANSMISSION: SECURE CHANNEL 0417-11]

TO: IMPERIAL HIGH COMMAND
FROM: DIRECTOR DAVIK LUCAL

Gathered here are the results and personal notes of my most recent field tests. As the pathetic rebellion grows in size and experience, our Empire must adapt to remain victorious against these threats.

Guerilla tactics, terrorist attacks, and turning the minds of loyal governments to treason – these unlawful acts are only the beginning. This rebellion must be defeated swiftly, and under the guidance of our glorious Emperor, we will be victorious.
Test Group A: ASP Trooper

Mon Cala, Manaan, and other water worlds pose a serious threat to the Empire. Aquatic species in particular are well-suited to space combat, having evolved in an environment that demands a body honed to full 360-degree movement and awareness. To combat these threats, I have developed a limited training program, and these specialized stormtroopers have been codenamed the ASP trooper project.

whaleboy.jpg

ASP troopers are equipped specifically to deal with threats from the sea as well as space. Dual-function environment packs can switch roles on-the-fly, allowing travel in zero-g environments as well as fast propulsion through water. The back-mounted harpoon launcher also performs well in both space and water, allowing the trooper to pierce the flesh of space and seafaring creatures as well as cause significant damage to armored targets. Flippers worn on the feet also increase mobility, allowing our troops to glide through water and space alike.

ASP troopers require highly-specialized training to adapt to their combat roles – the transition of weightlessness in space to underwater assault takes a great level of dexterity, and not just any run-of-the-mill stormtrooper can adapt to these harsh combat conditions. A breakthrough was made by BlasTech, increasing the combat effectiveness of these troopers. A modified marksman rifle allows troops to accurately target their enemies at long range, while an attached vibro-axe blade aids the wielder in short-range engagements. It appears, however, that the weapon is somewhat unwieldy at this early stage, and while it excels at long and short range, it suffers greatly in the middle.
Assessment:
Pros:

  • Versatile, can deploy from space to water
  • Supplements naval and aquatic engagements

Cons:

  • Expensive equipment
  • Prototype blaster not at 100% operating capacity

It is my firm belief that Imperial High Command must approve development of these countermeasures to combat the seditious Mon Cala – the tireless efforts of our glorious Emperor will NOT be undermined by treasonous rebels aligning themselves with fish!

[TRANSMISSION: SECURE CHANNEL 0417-92]

TO: IMPERIAL HIGH COMMAND

FROM: LIEUTENANT LON MOZ

I believe Director Lucal may. . .oh how do I put this delicately. The love of his Empire is getting the best of him again. The surveillance photos of his projects speak to an obsession with problem-solving. Rather than the normal development of broad-spectrum trooper training regimens – your shore troopers, scout troopers, what have you – these projects are far too specific. I suppose the ASP trooper does solve two problems with one set of equipment but. . .bother, I can’t send this report. How in the stars–

R4, I didn’t mean send the report, stop–!

[END TRANSMISSION: SECURE CHANNEL 0417-92: SENT VIA MY R4-G3 UNIT]
Test Group B: Raider Division

It’s no secret that the Rebellion favors hit-and-run tactics. Cowards! If they had any mettle whatsoever, they would stand and fight. It is with this tactic of striking and retreating in mind that I have developed a new stealth-focused trooper, one able to hit the rebels when they least expect it.

IMG_20190324_154242257_HDR.jpg

This recovered footage shows a Rebel hideout that has been infiltrated by one of our own, code named “pantry raider.” He has cleverly hidden himself in plain sight among the supplies inside the rebel’s safe house.

IMG_20190324_154320816_HDR.jpg

A pity, really. These rebels lack the training to know when something is lurking right behind them. . .

IMG_20190324_154535764_HDR.jpg

They bask in a supposed “victory” where countless lives were undoubtedly lost on both sides, furthering a cause that seeks only to divide our glorious Empire.

IMG_20190324_155224578_HDR.jpg

The rebel scum flees as our stealthy agent draws a weapon he’d hidden in the breakfast cereal (not to worry, that cereal will be donated to the war orphans of tragic rebel attacks.) A battle ensues, but this trooper has proven himself to be a veritable one-man army!

IMG_20190324_155440471_HDR.jpg

Putrid rabble, your bar stool is no match for this hero of the Empire! You can run, but you cannot hide from Imperial justice. We will find you on the fields of battle. We will track you to your hideouts and break rooms. The Empire will defeat you because the Empire does not rest. THE EMPIRE DOES NOT TAKE BREAKS! NO REBEL BREAK ROOM IS SAFE FROM THE PANTRY RAIDER!

IMG_20190324_155238189_HDR.jpg

Even if the trooper had come unarmed, he could have turned this entire pantry into an arsenal – pepper grinder, tactical egg timer, spicy hot sauce and red pepper flakes, and even the secrets of space thyme are at his disposal. The rebels aren’t even safe in their own kitchens. Even if the trooper has to stab these rebels to death with a broken wine bottle one at a time, he will not cease until the job is done!

Assessment:

Pros:

  • Unparalleled stealth tactics
  • Wide array of herbs and spices

Cons:

  • Reliant on finding rebel bases and sneaking in a low number of troops without backup
  • Rebels get break rooms and we don’t

TEST GROUP C: YARD CORPS

I can’t deny that the rebels are experts in camouflage, and the discovery of the abandoned base on Yavin IV proves the dangers of forest environments to our stormtroopers. Though I agree that our stark white Imperial armor is the best protection we can provide to our troopers, we must also be prepared to face environments that obscure line-of-sight and allow the enemy to disappear and reappear at-will. To combat the threats of jungle and forest worlds, I’ve proposed project 61-B – code named the Yard Corps.

IMG_20190324_155808828_HDR.jpg

Seen here with a tactical leaf blower option, the yard corps excel in clearing organic debris from the battlefield, allowing other troopers to target the enemy more accurately. Don’t believe me? Let me show you what a threat dense foliage can pose. . .

IMG_20190324_155703536_HDR.jpg

Corporal Zant uses his trusty lawnmower to clear away this patch of once-ignored high grass.

IMG_20190324_160634707_HDR

AND WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT ALL THE REBEL FILTH HE FOUND HIDING IN THERE. Luckily my men are well-trained, and this lot will not escape justice any longer. Keep that leaf blower trained on them and don’t forget binders for the space bear, boys!

IMG_20190324_160738023_HDR.jpg

And moving on to higher-up threats, here we see Corporal Zant with the new saber saw. It uses a modified kyber crystal to power a lightsaber pike, allowing the trooper to clear away these high branches.

IMG_20190324_160848892_HDR.jpg

They should know better than to intrude on Imperial property. . .

IMG_20190324_160956464_HDR.jpg

Oh dear. Well, it appears that the safety features are in working order! The saber does indeed deactivate when you drop it.

Assessment:

Pros:

  • Versatile, can deploy on jungle worlds, forest worlds, and has optional snow equipment
  • No additional armor modifications required, more economical than flame troopers

Cons:

  • Noisy lawn equipment may warn enemy of impending attack
  • Many rebel sympathizers are also environmentalists

Esteemed colleagues, please review my test findings and advise me post-haste. I wish to see this rebellion burn, to see it forgotten by history. I look forward to evaluating future projects for as long as this horrible war wages on. Know that I will not rest until the mission is complete.

Thank you for your time,

Director Davik Lucal

[END TRANSMISSION: SECURE CHANNEL 0417-11]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s