Farce Troopers – Episode II: A New Nope

Reinforcements have arrived, and they are wacky.

Personal Note, File #714-B31

Lieutenant Lon Moz

Director Lucal has asked me to file some of his field reports again. His standards are. . .unusual, but I can’t fault his creativity and aptitude for finding flaws in our defenses. If the Emperor takes kindly to some of these suggestions, maybe there’s a promotion in the works for both of us someday. Well, I suppose you can’t be promoted too far above Director, though I’m not positive what exactly the Director is the director of at this point.

Personal File #003-KM-0201

Subject: First Viral Response Unit

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In these uncertain times, Imperial ground forces are often the first to get their hands dirty – and dirty hands tend to spread disease. Commander Onda reports from our space station above Raxus Prime, and he was happy to inform me that ongoing efforts inside Clean Room One are going swimmingly. He assures me that his new task force, the First Viral Response Unit, will be ready for anything the pitiful rebellion can throw at us. Disease, biological weapons, lingering poisons – nothing can withstand the full-frontal assault of our proprietary detergent blend in the field.

VRU Troopers come equipped to repel threats related to sickness, from the microscopic to chemical weapons attacks. Each trooper carries a specialized weapon, the MK-20 ‘Douser’ rifle, which fires a high-pressure stream of cleaning agents from a backpack unit. These troopers also hose down other soldiers when necessary, ridding their armor of contaminants. I’m told that Commander Onda also has also brought back an archaic tradition, stuffing his helmet to the brim with soothing herbs daily to help further prevent the spread of infection from trooper to trooper.

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Commander Onda informs me that his troops are also experts in stockpiling resources, reinforcing positions with extra cleaning supplies and refresher paper. Setting up the training program over the filth-ridden planet of Raxus Prime was the commander’s brilliant idea, and he assures me that every planetside pathogen presents an opportunity to the Empire’s research efforts against diseases across the galaxy. Once I receive his full report, I will forward my own notes to the Emperor.
Pros:

  • Armor stays gleaming white per the Emperor’s standard
  • Reduction in sick leave
  • Preparedness – better to be ready for a hypothetical disease than caught with our pants down when something strikes out of nowhere

Cons:

  • Some troopers may use the cleanliness of others as an excuse to ignore Imperial protocols in time of emergency
  • Proprietary detergent costs
  • I think I’m out of refresher paper, did he take mine?
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Stay clean, troopers!

Personal File #062-36-32-B

Subject: Equipment Management Corps

It’s come to my attention that many operations across the galaxy have failed due to utter incompetence. The data vault at Scarif was raided by the Rebellion. Princess Leia was extracted from the DS-1 battle station, and a short time after, the Emperor’s finest battle station was destroyed by the rebels. What do these attacks all have in common?

Those filthy rebels dressed up as Imperials. And they walked right past us.

I will no longer stand for such oversight! Starting today, I have restructured base protocol to include random equipment checks. My equipment management teams will inspect every last trooper and officer not only for uniform standards, but also identity verification.

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My new teams will manage these thorough inspections and I plan to present my findings to the Emperor once I’ve gathered enough data. These teams will not only perform routine checks – they also ensure that any recovered equipment is returned to the proper owner and not a filthy rebel intruder. Oh. . .oh dear, did the Grand Admiral’s epaulets make it to lost and found? Blast.

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Here we can see the devoted scanning crew checking not only troopers but also droid assets for violations and defects. So far, everything seems to be in order. . .

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However, this lot will require extra attention. I was informed the woman has a bounty on her head, and is of personal interest to Lord Vader. . .
Pros:

  • Anal-retentive
  • Will hopefully cut down on infiltration by rebel agents and avoid further massacres like the DS-1 incident

Cons:

  • Anal-retentive
  • Time-consuming scanning processes
  • Would require updates to other Imperial protocol, such as not accepting outdated landing codes (even if they still check out)
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Antique blasters? Never know what you’ll find stored up around the base.

Recovered File: #M-AF-666

Subject: Phase 4

I recovered a curious file from a trooper. He was rather quiet for an off-duty soldier, kept to himself and he had been absentmindedly keying away on a datapad. He’d forgotten to secure his datapad one afternoon and it was left behind, where I found it in the base cafeteria, unguarded. Upon inspecting a few of the files, trying to glance a name or ID number to have the datapad returned, I discovered this trooper had an unhealthy obsession.

He seems to be aware of the Sith, and he has dangerous ideas of their affect on the Empire.

“In the grim darkness of a galaxy far, far away – there is only Galactic Civil War!” He wrote. “The war rages across the galaxy and neither side will be the victor. The Empire is not strong enough, not yet. Forward is the only way through.”

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The soldier went on to explain his idea for the greatest Stormtrooper, a veritable one-man army clad in grey armor and Imperial heraldry. This armor appeared heavy, not the standard materials or designs, but reinforced models with heavy leg armor and large pauldrons. The trooper’s notes read as observations, as if these were things he had seen and not insane daydreams. He called the armor system the fourth in the line of the Dark Trooper Project. . .and how he knew of that project, let alone versions one through three, made me fear for my safety.

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Further observations followed – a spiked, ancient throne of stone on an unknown planet. Flames everywhere, and the skulls of defeated rebels adorning ebony stairs. Instrument stands stood nearby – one with an angular stringed instrument, and the other appearing to prop up a sword with motorized teeth instead of a standard vibroblade.

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This “grim dark trooper” was unrivaled, able to dismantle enemy forces with his sword and even the strange instrument. . .

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. . .and he disintegrated the rest with an enormous blaster rifle.

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And they can fly apparently. Is there anything this shadowy soldier can’t do? I must submit these findings to the ISB. If a rank and file trooper knows about the Dark Trooper Project, what other information is floating around in space?

Pros:

  • Jetpacks, guitar solos, and pyrotechnics
  • Wish fulfillment
  • Manly

Cons:

  • Exceedingly loud
  • Possibly a hallucination
  • I don’t even know at this point but this one is so metal

The Director needs to lie down for a bit. Thanks for reading!

-Supreme Leader D

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