Farce Troopers Episode III: The Third One That’s Happened

RE: Imperial Specialists Recognized During Trying Times

Personal File #060-FC-4431

[TRANSMISSION: SECURE CHANNEL 0417-11]

Personal File #060-FC-4431

From the desk of Davik Lucal, Director of Imperial Specific Detachments Research

It is no secret that in these dark times, the Empire has been tested. But our resolve has never been stronger, and I would like to forward the performance reports for two divisions that have been vital in keeping the peace of the Empire, keeping their sense of duty and always being present, correct, and ready to maintain the security of their Empire at a moment’s notice.

Attachment A: Subject: 401st ‘Rain or Shine’ Task Force

As the Empire expands, so has the needs of its military. Specialization is key. From forest moons to lava fields and beyond, our troopers must have the proper equipment to do their duties. Several variations on standard stormtrooper deployments exist for specific weather and climate conditions, be they the coastal defenders of Scarif’s beaches, the aquatic assault troopers defending assets on Mon Cala, or the swamp troopers that patrol Naboo’s wetlands. There is another though, a lesser-known unit I wish to recognize.

The 401st Task Force made its name mopping up amphibious resistance on Pipada. They were nicknamed ‘Damp Troopers’ for their measured resolve and special training to deal with damp climates, places too dry for aquatic assault troopers but much too wet for sand troopers. Donning specialized breathing filters attached to their sealed suits of armor, the damp trooper excels in environments where standard units would suffer discomfort due to microbial contaminants, excessive humidity, and light rain.

My records indicate that the loyal troops of the 401st may have actually done their job too well, as resistance on swamp planets has declined. Until their next assignment, I have pulled from their ranks to fill guard positions on the swamp world of Mydasos. Their skills in identifying and removing mold and allergens has proven valuable time and again, and I would recommend commendation for every member of the 401st for their frontline and behind the scenes accomplishments.

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Attachment B: Subject: Imperial Fan Service Technician Recognition Day

It is said of Imperial stromtroopers that if they complete their tasks with utmost efficiency, many of the Empire’s citizens will live in a secure society and thus never witness a stormtrooper in action. The same can be said for base maintenance crews who toil day in and day out to keep the enormous military sites of the Empire in working order. For your review, I have provided a file of one exemplary technician who has a vast record of accomplishments under his belt.

This Imperial fan service technician is not only an unmistakably priceless part of his Empire, but also a collector, scholar, and flawless source of technical know-how. This is the legend of Gus Yart.

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Personal Accomplishments, Milestones, and Fun Facts: 

• Possesses a first edition copy of the Imperial handbook with Emperor Palpatine’s signature on the cover.
• He has refused to let a wookiee win on principal and lived.
• He knows the names and identifying numbers of otherwise un-named, un-numbered Imperial Inquisitors.
• Has a phase one clone trooper helmet serial number 000-000-000-001 in his collection.
• When stationed on the bridge of the Executor, he was the sole survivor of one of Darth Vader’s choking tantrums (he is now banned from the Executor as a result.)
• Gus has taught an old bantha new tricks.
• He discovered information vital to deciphering the whereabouts of Grand Admiral Thrawn.
• Yart once snuck onto a rebel base dressed as a filthy terrorist just to show them how it feels when they do that to our forces.
• His first week on the job on Naboo, he discovered a pair of disembodied legs – he immediately retrieved a medical capsule to deliver them to the nearest hospital for donation.
• Smashed and subsequently repaired many ‘like buttons.’
• Jabba the Hutt owes Gus a favor. So do Prince Xizor and  at least three Imperial governors. We don’t know why.
• Gus was digitally removed from something called ‘The Special Editions.’
• Falleen, Zeltrons, and other alien species fall victim to Gus’s pheromones.
• Gus saw the new VT-16s before anyone else.
• A villainous entity known as Electronic Arts canceled an entertainment holovid based on his life. (I am told we were not ready for it, but our kids may love it some day.)
• With all due respect, he once disagreed with Emperor Palpatine. However, it was just as foreseen…